Marriage: Principles to go by

The Importance of Marriage By Rebecca Jenn

As we were growing up and even now we watch movies that end in “happy ever after” –even if the movie doesn’t explicitly say so, we assume so. Because that’s what’s supposed to happen, all movie characters are supposed to live “happily ever after.” However, that is the thing: it is the movies. In reality, marriages are not as sweet after the wedding.

To be honest, I can’t speak from personal experience because I am not yet married or even in a dating relationship. So I will be speaking completely hypothetically here, but I hope I can help you as a transitioning adult or someone who is helping the transient adult into a marriage relationship. I can also say that I’ve taken a class on how to strengthen your marriage and all the information that I’m going to be sharing with you comes from the book The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman (1999), which is available any where books are sold.

So you’ve been proposed to (or were the proposer), you survived through the wedding and now you’re living with the love of your life. Right? Wrong, you’ve actually just married someone that is completely opposite of you (even if you think you have common interests and avoid conflicts) [Gottman, 1999]; you have been raised in a different set of standards, you both view the world differently and have had such different experiences that, no matter how much you have shared your life with them, there’s still more under the surface.

Now this is not to say that you shouldn’t have married him or her. What I am saying is that you both are very unique human beings and you need to know your partner and acknowledge the fact that you are going to have disagreements (which don’t have to become full-blown arguments if you do not let them).

Anyhow, the number one thing to remember in your relationship is that communication is key: which also means conflict and bickering. It means not getting along over traditions, in-laws, sex, money, jobs, housekeeping, kids, etc. (Gottman, 1999).  As a matter of fact, Gottman (1999) found that couples that had “good marriages” were as likely to fight as “not good marriages.” And the couple could have had completely different interests, temperament, family values, etc. but they still loved each other and understood one another.

How is that? Well the couples had mastered the seven things that Gottman (1999) goes over in his book:

1) They enhanced their “love maps”—a love map being basically anything that you could know about your spouse, all of the ins, outs and quirks of your partner (which can be as simple as remembering her favorite salad dressing, favorite color, favorite movies, or even life aspirations).

2) They nurtured their fondness and admiration for each other.

3) They turned toward each other instead of away (especially in conflicts).

4) They let their partner influence them—in as many ways as each partner could possibly 

5) They solve their solvable problems (which include arguments that are actually centered around a task that needs to be done or can be improved upon)

6) They overcame gridlock (gridlock is exactly what you would imagine in a traffic jam—everything has come to a standstill and you can’t go anywhere over the issue because you just keep going over and over it again in the same way.

And 7) they created shared meanings with each other (which is more than just going on vacations, but every-day type of things or weekly dates, etc.)

The book goes into a lot more detail on each factor as well as builds on how you can be a better partner and what issues your relationship may be gridlocked on—the book even has little quizzes and questionnaires for you to take over these kinds of things.

However, I still haven’t answered why this is important to you: your relationship with your spouse is important because its going to shape how your children see their relationships and how you are able to relate with your kids. Now, I understand, you may not be the married type that wants to have children: no judgment passed here. I understand the sentiment. But even if it isn’t for your kids, then Gottman’s seven principles will just help your relationship blossom and grow even more for each other.

As you and your spouse are more affectionate and flexible with each other, willing to talk out your problems and understand each other on an intimate level, your children will understand how to interact with their peers and siblings (if you have more than one). You’re also displaying to your child or children that you love each other and that because you respect each other, your child or children can also respect the both of you. Stemming from your healthy relationship with each other, your child or children should also benefit because, as you are willing to work things out with your spouse, so should you be able to work things out with your child or children.

And besides, the nuclear family is the basic building block of society, and it starts between two different individuals that need to acknowledge that they are different and have things to work out among them before and anytime during their marriage.

So to wrap up: You and your new spouse are different, but with Gottman’s (1999) principles you can have a marriage better than the movies. And you can live “happily ever after” to the end of times.