Every parent’s goal is to build a confident growing
relationship with their growing children.
The downfall of many parents is the failure to let the relationship
mature as their children become adults and continue to treat young people as if
they were “children”. Parents need to
concentrate on building a positive climate in which the relationship between parents
and child can develop. Parent’s
attitudes, words, and behavior do influence
your child every time you are together; therefore, parents must take
responsibility for their own power of influence and stop blaming children for
the bad relationships between parent and child.
Children are constantly learning new life lessons, and as parents, we
need to be more mature and help educate children in coping with the obstacles
of growing up.
The first step in building a positive climate with your growing children and becoming a good and effective parent is to
be a confident parent. Confidence comes from continuing to grow
as parents. Confident parents do all
they can to help their children mature, including placing genuine importance on
their children’s feelings and thoughts. That
is, parents really want to understand their children so that a friendship can
form between them. The key to having a friendship with your adult children is
letting your children grow up, which involves giving children choices, guiding them
in making the best choices, and teaching them to take responsibility for their
own behavior. Confident parents are loving
and supportive in letting their children take steps to maturity (Campbell &
Chapman, pg 150). But, most important,
confident parents manage their anger,
and they discipline out of love, but never discipline while they are angry.
As children grow into adolescence, parents continue with the
same parent-young child style of parenting, and consequently, the parents fall
into “parent traps” (undesirable style of parenting). There are three kinds of traps and the first trap is overprotection. These
parents do too much for their children, which don’t allow children to learn how
to do for themselves. To get out of this trap, let your children
know that you are working together toward their independence. The second
trap is undermanagement. This type of trap consists of parents who do
not give enough management or aren’t involved in their children’s lives. These parents need to work toward
understanding the value of emotional closeness with their children. As a parent myself, I feel the emotional closeness I have with my daughters is the reason why my daughters and I are so close. The third
trap is overmanagement. This trap involves parents who are deeply
involved or devote too much energy in helping their children learn. This style of parenting causes young adults
to feel dominated, thus, causing young adults to draw away from their parents. This style of parenting also causes young
adults to develop anger issues and will likely fail to learn to accept
responsibility for his/her own behavior.
The solution is for parents to give their children the freedom to make
decisions on their own.
It is important to meet your
adult child’s need for emotional love in a way (language) he/she
understands. There are five basic
languages of love that each person will understand, and as a parent, it’s your
job to know what “love language” works best on your adult child.
1.
Words of Affirmation. This involves using words to build up the
person. “You look nice today.”
2.
Gifts. This involves giving gifts. A gift says, “She was thinking of me.
3.
Acts of Service. This involves doing nice things that you know
your child will appreciate. Such acts
make your child feel really loved.
4.
Quality Time. Spending quality time with your child
involves giving him/her your undivided attention.
5.
Physical Touch. This includes a hug,
pat on the back, or sitting close enough to touch shoulders.
Parenting is about the most difficult job in the
world, but also very rewarding. By
emphasizing the positive aspects of
your bond with your child and what you have done right, parents can form
meaningful friendship with their adult children.Campbell R., MD & Chapman G., PhD. How to Really Love Your Adult Children. Chicago: Northfield Publishing. c1999.
I love how you said in the comment about how not to be overprotective, that parents can let their children know that they're working together toward their independence. I speak from experience when I say that that is very empowering when a parent says that. If there's anything I've learned in my study on communication and families, it's that you can express needs and concerns without being overbearing. It's a fine line between being involved but not too involved. I can imagine it's a real art for parents to figure all that out. You mentioned some good ideas for parents (or anyone really) in trying to balance their involvement with others.
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ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate how your paper ties the topic of your blog and your position on parenting together. I found it quite interesting that your list of the Five Love Languages are the same exact ones found in Gary Chapman's book entitled, "The Five Love Languages" which focuses more on couples than children.
- Elizabeth H.
Thank you for your comment on how its important for parents not be overprotective. I also believe there is a fine line between involved, but not too involved. I am a mother of two teen age girls and I'm still trying to balance my involvement. I just let my children know that I'm trying and only want what's best for them.
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