Helping your child cope with real-life obstacles

How parents Can Help When Our Children Are Failing On Their Own

Eventually, young  people make their own way and with this new found independence comes challenges.  During this transition  period, parents are needed , but in a different way.  The role of parents changes from being a manager (imposing supervision) to becoming mentors (offering advice  when asked).  Mentoring needs to be a consensual and collaborative relationship, where by invitation only, parents help with problem solving, offer/share ideas, while staying objective.  As mentor's, your job is not to tell your growing children what to do, bail  them out of trouble, or to express disappointment/criticism, instead; a mentor's role involves listening sympathetically, advise if asked, and let  go of any responsibility for fixing whatever is wrong.  There is also a major drop in self-esteem during the "trial independence"period, and as a mentor, you need to let your young adult children know that mistakes are a foundation for learning throughout everyones life.  The most important thing to remember is:  Respect the young person's right to make their own decisions. 

There are various obstacles worth mentioning that every young adult encounters.  Such obstacles include missing  home and family, managing increased freedom, flunking  out of college, and unemployment.  All of these obstacles come with psychological challenges that make growing up hard and confusing.  In the following paragraph, I will discuss the four psychological challenges that make it difficult for young people to move past "missing home and family".

For older adolescents, moving away from home feels scary and complicated.  The first psychological challenge is the demands of change.  Getting used to any life change demands adjusting to the loss of the old  (family security) and engaging with the new (making your own decisions).  There are things parents can do to ease the anxieties of young people that are in the process of moving away from home.  First, young people need to know that they are remembered and thought of.   For example, parents can let children know that they remain in the family's minds and hearts by celebrating special occasions with them.  Second, young people need to know that their position in the family is secure, which include preserving their room and possessions.  Finally, young people need to know that they are always welcome back, continue to communicate with family, and still have access to family support.  When young people physically leave home, they haven't emotionally left home, so retaining that old place (room, possessions, etc) is an important way of letting them hold on.  The second psychological challenge is the lifestyle drop.  This is a good time for parents to share experiences of when they were young and starting out and also explain the importance of budgeting.  The third challenge is becoming homesick.  To work through homesickness, a young adult needs transitional support of parental communication, encouragement, a attention during the first year or so living away from home.  Believe it or not, the happy high school experience is the last challenge for young people trying to move away from home.  Students who's high school days were victorious in every way possible, have a harder time adjusting and sometimes crash during "trial independence".  This happens because young people feel a sense of diminished competency and worth.  To help young people get over this hurdle, parents can tell them, "If you did well for yourself in high school, that just shows you have what it takes to do well for yourself again" (Pickhardt, pg 52). 

As you can see, I've only touched the surface of the kinds of challenges young adults face as they deal with real-life situations.  I find the transition to adulthood interesting and beneficial because  I have two daughters that will be young adults in the near future.  I hope to expand on other obstacles such as managing increased freedom, flunking out of college, and unemployment in our workshop.     

Pickhardt, Carl, PhD. Boomerang Kids.  Sourcebooks, Illinois.  2011.